Important Person

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."

Chief: "What sort of problem?"

Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."

Chief: "Important like the mayor?"

Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."

Chief: "Important like the governor?"

Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."

Chief: "Like the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."

Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your
f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!!

HiColoured foods don`t just turn your poo interesting colours

I made myself a great sandwich with ham and beetroot, and went way over the top with the beetroot. The next day, I wandered half asleep to the bathroom in my student halls where instead of the normal straw coloured piss, I urinated the deepest red I’ve ever seen.
I was a little bit disturbed by this, panicked slightly and grasped the end of my dick to stop the flow. Bad mistake. I couldn’t hold it for more than 10 seconds before a fountain of scarlet wee burst from my member spraying the loo and walls a rather fetching shade! I don’t know who came in the bog after me, but I ran to the hospital where they ran test after test to try and work out where the “blood” was coming from. They didn’t find any trace of blood in my wee so discharged me, and it only occurred to me that it was the beetroot all along three weeks afterwards.
I felt like a tit., but it was a bloody good sandwich :-)